Top Ten Signs

Amer'ca Online
Amer'ca Online (sung to the tune on American Pie)
A long,long,time ago I can still remember
when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance.
They could make my modem dance with chats
and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver.
With every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page 19-hour outrage.
I can't remember if I cried when I realized
that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside.
The day the service died.

CHORUS
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online.
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working
just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline.
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS.
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS.
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool.
When he tells you that the service rules.
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short.
Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock.
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy,costly high-tech play.
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay.
And half their users went away the day the
service died.

Back to Chorus

Well for two days we've been on our own.
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone.
But that's not how it used to be.
When the mogul came to Virginia court.
With an OS icon and a browser port.
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down.
The mogul stole his thorny crown.
The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond.
With hosts unable to respond 6 million
newbies all were conned the day the
service died.

Back to Chorus

Da Chronic ducked their software guards.
And stole a million credit cards.
To use accounts he'd gotten free.
And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie.
That hackers wanted child pornography,
But while Steve Case was looking down.
The hackers pulled his e-mail down.
They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!
And while user cynicism climbs.
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes.
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.

Back to Chorus

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter.
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter.
Eight million in lawyer's fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free.
Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks.
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.
Until we bless the suit.The settlement is moot.
""If AOL treats you like the Borg.
Then visit aolsucks.org.
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.

Diary of a New AOL User

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online.
I've heard it is the best online service I can get.
They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it
in case they don't ever send me anther one!I can't connect.
I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my
computer needs a modem.I don't see why.He's just trying
to cheat me.How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem.I couldn't figure out where
it goes.It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer.
I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up.
That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still
don't work. I can't get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up
to America Online for me. He's so smart.I told the kid he
was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service.
What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services
for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold
me the modem. They didn't even tell me about
communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why
do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a
modem when you only need one? And why do they have one
labeled phone when you are not supposed to hook it to
the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone
sounded funny! Boy,are modem makers dumb! But the kid
figured it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was
on America Online. Not this internet thing.
I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me
how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he
must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me.
Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to
talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe
I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called Usenet.I
got out of it because I'm connected to America
Online not Usenet.
July 30 - These people in this Usenet thing keep
using capital letters. How do they do that? I never
figured out how to type capital letters.Maybe they
have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I caled the computer maker I bought it
from to complain about not having a capitol letter key.
The tech support guy said it was this caps lock key.
WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE.AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN'T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER.HE SAID THAT'S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT.I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD.TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN'T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB.
I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE.I WASN'T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

You Know You're Addicted When
1). When you're having more sex online than offline.
2). When you can't wait to call an online buddy to
tell him/her what they missed (conversation) the
night before.
3). When you keep a Pic/Gif or Tiff database of your
favorite and NOT so favorite online personalities.
4). When you exclusively date online personalities.
5). When you're MARRIED and you get jealous
when someone speaks to a man/woman online that
you like.
6). When you're MARRIED and you include the
screenname of someone you like in your PROFILE.
7). When you contemplate marriage with someone
online that you've never met.
8). When you can MULTITASK while online. ie. Cook,
wash laundry feed the kids eat, talk on the phone, etc.
and still keep up with the online conversation.
9). When you have collected over 100 wavs.
10). When you someone enters the "Room" they say
HI to you and your reply is: "DO I KNOW YOU"?
11). When your first thought on a Sunday morning
is to get online instead of going to church.
12). When you log on Sunday morning to find
that you are NOT alone.
13). When you have more friends online
than you do offline.
14). When you keep logs/journals of online
conversations.
15). When you travel with a laptop, only so that
you can connect to AOL.
16). When you introduce a local online friend to
a NON-AOL friend by their screenname. Ex: Mary,
this is "SwtNSexy" LOL!!
17). When you actually have FIVE different
screenames and FIVE different PROFILES, and you
can keep up with all of them.
18). When you break your BUDDY list into different
catagories. ie. Fine Men/Women CyberSex Buddies
Assholes Kewl Peeps
19). When Cybersex turns into phonesex, turns into
live sex. Only to discover you should've left
well enough alone..
20). When Cybersex is your ONLY outlet.

New AOL Messages

1.You have been on-line for 46 minutes.
Do you want to stay on-line?
Please respond within 10 minutes,
or you will be logged off.
2.You have been on-line 135 minutes.
Not to put any pressure on you,
but there are OTHER people in the world
who would like to sign on.
Let's show some consideration for our
fellow members and sign off,WHADDYA SAY?
3.You DO realize that you have been
on-line for 180 minutes,right?
When was the last time you went outside?
4.OK,this is getting ridiculous.
Frankly, you're starting to piss us off!
If you sign off now,we'll bring
back your buddy list,OK?
5.You have been on-line for 360 minutes now!
We promised you unlimited time, we know,
but can't you just finish up and go read
a good book?!
6.You have been on-line for 467 minutes.

Do you remember your family members names?
7.You have been on-line for 513 minutes.Your

spouse has left and your dog is starving.

Do you wish to remain on-line?
8.You have been on-line for 724 minutes.

Steve Case is coming personally to your

house to yank the phone cord...
9.You have been on-line for 852 minutes.

Do you KNOW how many hours that is??
10.You have been on-line for 921 minutes.Do you realize
that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy
phone lines? Do you realize that AOL recieves 9.21
lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE
sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD:
Class Action to join a lawsuit.
11.You have been on-line for 967 minutes.When AOL went
unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY!
So get the H*LL OFF, before we go broke!
12.You have been on-line for 1013 minutes.This is Steve
Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail.

Could you PLEASE sign-off?
13.You have been cybering for 1059 minutes.Didn't

your mom ever tell you "That thing could

make you go blind"? PLEASE sign-off while you

can still read this!
14.You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and
your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!
15.You have been on-line 1151 minutes.

Jokes About "AOL"

Amer'ca Online

CHORUS

Diary of a New AOL User

You Know You're Addicted When

New AOL Messages