General Humor
Wrong Method A Hug Steps To Happiness 10 Things About Being A Guy 100 Great Reasons Thoughts To Ponder Hugs 30 Ways To Handle Stress WRONG METHOD
Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes,sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her butt and say 'How about a little ?' She always pretends to be asleep."�
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A * H U G * ( the perfect gift )
1. relieves tension 2. improves blood flow 3. reduces stress 4. non-polluting 5. helps self-esteem 6. generates good will 7. no batteries required 8. absolutely no cost 9. non-taxable 10. silent performance 11. extremely personal 12. fully returnable get one today ,,, recommended for ages 1 to 100 and up *S* & a *W*
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Steps To Happiness
Everybody Knows: You can't be all things to all people. You can't do all things at once. You can't do all things equally well. You can't do all things better than everyone else. Your humanity is showing just like everyone else's. So: You have to find out who you are, and be that. You have to decide what comes first, and do that. You have to discover your strengths, and use them. You have to learn not to compete with others, Because no one else is in the contest of *being you*. Then: You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness. You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions. You will have learned to live with your limitations. You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due. And you'll be a most vital mortal. Dare To Believe: That you are a wonderful, unique person. That you are a once-in-all-history event. That it's more than a right, it's your duty, to be who you are. That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish. And you'll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.
It's wonderous what a hug can do
A hug can cheer you when you're blue
A hug can say, "I love you so,"
Or, "I really hate to see you go."
So stretch those arms without delay
And give someone a {{{{BIG HUG}}}} today.
and **SMILE**
1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. 2.Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa. 3.Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4.When someone says "have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. 5.Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. 6.Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram. 7.Make a list of things that you've already done. 8.Dance naked in front of your pets. 9.Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong. 10.Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals. 11.Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead. 12.Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places. 13.Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives. 14.Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. 15.Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss'wife. 16.Pay your electric bill in pennies. 17.Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the . "Flintstones" during that important finance meeting. 18.Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg. 19.Refresh yourself. Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail. 20.Tell your boss to blow it out of his toupe and let him figure it out. 21.Polish your car with ear wax. 22.Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. 23.Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. 24.Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room. 25.Braid the hairs in each nostril. 26.Write a short story using alphabet soup. 27.Lie on your back eating celery....using your navel as a salt dipper. 28.Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail. 29.Make up a language and ask people for directions vW/ {KoY(d[WkY-- 30.Stress Diet!!!
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2) Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3) You know stuff about tanks. 4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5) Monday Night Football. 6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8) You can open all your own jars. 9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. 10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. 12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews. 13) All your orgasms are real. 14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15) Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards). 16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17) You understand why Stripes is funny. 18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19) Your last name stays put. 20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade. 21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22) You can kill your own food. 23) The garage is all yours. 24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. 27) You never have to clean a toilet. 28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. 29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30) Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 33) The National College Cheerleading Championship. 34) You don't have to shave below your neck. 35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. 36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. 37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. 38) You can write your name in the snow. 39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. 41) Chocolate is just another snack. 42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.) 43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 44) Flowers fix everything. 45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. 49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think. 51) Foreplay is optional. 52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. 54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by. 56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57) Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58) You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut. 59) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me. 60) The world is your urinal. 61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you. 62) You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64) One mood, all the time 65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy. 67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 69) Same work...more pay! 70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75. 73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back. 74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75) You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77) The remote control is yours and yours alone. 78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79) ESPN's SportsCenter. 80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 81) Bachelor parties kick butt over bridal showers. 82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed. 86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it." 88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. 89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room. 94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet. 95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them. 98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?" 99) Baywatch 100) There's always a game on somewhere.
Would you be willing to eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000? If you could script the basic plot for the dream you will have tonight, what would the story be? You are given a chance to return to any previous point in your life and change a decision you made, but you will lose everything that has happened to you since then. Is there a point you would return to? What's your favorite kitchen utensil? Why? Do you have a favorite sexual fantasy? Would you like to have it fulfilled? Would $50,000 be enough money to induce you to take a loyal, healthy pet to the vet to be put to sleep? What would you like to be doing 5 years from now? What do you think you will be doing 5 years from now? If a crystal ball would tell you the truth about any one thing you wished to know concerning yourself, life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know? Which is more important: actual experiences, or the memories that remain when the experiences are over? Have you ever genuinely wanted to kill someone, or wished someone dead? How much are you affected by a stranger�s physical appearance? By a close friend�s? Would you like to be immortal? If your mate were having an affair would you want to know about it? Have you ever been sexually attracted to a family member or a person of an inappropriate age? How did you deal with it? Would you prefer to die a painful death as a world famous hero, or die peacefully in your sleep? What would you like said at your funeral? Whom would you like to speak? Would you like to have a child much more intelligent and attract live than yourself? Is it better to have dreams that will never come to pass, or to have no dreams at all? What is the most personally embarrassing thing you can imagine? Do you feel that children should be sheltered from unhappiness? If you saw someone shoplifting in an exclusive store, what would you do? When you perform a difficult task successfully, do you tell people about it or keep it to yourself? What would you never willingly sacrifice to save a great many people? You can go back in time and prevent a great catastrophe. Which one would you prevent? In what ways will you raise (or have you raised) your children differently from the way you were raised?
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