Computer Humor III


Reasons Why Too Serious Beverly Hillbillies
Dogs vs Computers Remember When Devil vs Computer
Software vs Drugs

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Reasons Why


Five Reasons Computers Must Be Male:

5. They're heavily dependent on external

tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you

think you've established a network connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do,

but they won't do more than they have to and

they won't think of it on their own.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years

and need to be traded in for a new model.

Some users,however,feel they've already invested

so much in the stupid machine that they're compelled

to remain with an underpowered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on,and that's the

only time you have their attention.

Five Reasons Computers Must Be Female:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed

to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other

computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message,"Bad command or filename," is about as

informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,

then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find

yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories

for it.

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Too Serious

 1. If you did an error-free installation of Windows 95. 
 2. When your modem starts smoking. 
 3. If no one can reach you by phone since your computer 
    is always online. 
 4. If you log-off your system because it's time to go 
    to work. 
 5. If you call in sick because you found a great new 
    WWW site.
 6. If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, 
    by heart. 
 7. If you can locate a particular home page without 
    using a search engine. 
 8. If you can write your own html page. 
 9. If you can access more than 20 erotic no-pay sites. 
10. If you download more than 20Mb of from a binary 
    newsgroup,in one session. 
11. If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom 
    icon for a better look at a photograph. 
12. You comment,while watching a sunset,that the
    image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta
    and a higher resolution. 
13. If while driving down the street,you are confused 
    by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear 
    to be legitimate WWW addresses. 
14. When someone tells you to remember something,and you 
    look for File/Save command. 
15. When you discover there is no little car icon with a 
    forward arrow on the dashboard of your car,to make it go. 
16. When you think the File/Kill command should apply  
    to your system administrator. 
17. When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather 
    Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look
    out the window. 
18. When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.
    food.now@home 
19. If you have a heart attack when you forgot to pay 
    your phone bill and receive a "pending disconnection 
    of service" notice. 
20. When you order most of what you buy - online. 
21. If your fingers quit moving because you've been online 
    for 36 hours. 
22. When you find yourself engaged to someone you've never 
    actually met; except through e-mail. 
23. When you log-off from a session in your favorite 
    newsgroup and your log reads: Online time: 
    56 hours 24 minutes. 
24. If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, 
    because you're exceeding 300 hours a month,connect time. 
25. When you add your third modem and dedicated phone line. 
26. You access Microsoft's Web page every Sunday morning for 
    Brother Bill's sermon. 
27. When that 112Gb hard drive is full. 
28. If 133 Mhz is simply too slow. 
29. When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer
    peripherals. 
30. If you have an "online" light installed on your car to 
    tell you when the engine is running. 
31. When you discover that in order to drive your car 
    somewhere,you do not enter an http:// or ftp:// address. 
32. If you can actually talk to the computers in your new 
    car - and understand what they say. 
33. When you modify the programming of your car's computers 
    and actually get better mileage. 
34. When you can access the Net - via your portable 
    and cellular phone.
35. If on the way home from work,you use your portable 
    and cellular phone in your car,to reprogram a 
    Tomahawk missile,in flight,and redirect it to 
    take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off. 
36. If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window. 
37. When you put a CD-ROM in your car's player. 
38. When someone tells you about a great new program and 
    you're very disappointed to find it's on TV. 
39. If every sentence you utter begins with, "On the Net..." 
40. If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand 
    corner of envelopes. 
41. If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary. 
42. When you insist on seeing the movie "The Net" - 
    for the 63rd time. 
43. If magazines like "InternetWorld" are of greater interest 
    than "Playboy" or "Playgirl". 
44. If you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses. 
45. If you use more than 20 passwords. 
46. If you set up your own Web page. 
47. If you set up a Web page for each of your kids... 
    and your pets. 
48. If,instead of a phone number,you ask someone for 
    their e-mail address. 
49. If you don't know anyone who DOESN'T have an e-mail addresses. 
50. If,to you,'safe sex' means doing it online. 
51. If you convince your mom that she HAS to get online 
    because e-mail is so much cheaper than long distance 
    phone charges. 
52. If you can write a list like this. 
53. If you can relate to a list like this.

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Beverly Hillbillies


Come listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,

A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,

But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,

Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

Windows,that is... PC's... Internet...

Well,the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an engineer.

The kinfolk said "Jed,move away from here".

They said "California is the place ya oughta be",

So,he packed up his disks and moved to Silicon Valley...

Intel,that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...

On his first day at work,they stuck him in a cube.

Fed him lots of donuts and sat him at a tube.

They said "your project's late,but we know just what to do.

Instead of 40 hours,we'll work you 52!"

OT,that is... unpaid... no personal days...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking pretty bad.

Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.

They called another meeting and decided on a fix.

The answer was simple... "We'll work him 66!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.

Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.

Waiting to retire when he turned 64,

Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off,that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,

Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.

So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,

Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'

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Dogs vs Computers


Favorite Food:

Dogs: kibbles

Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior:

Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper

Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property:

Dogs: dog not found

Computers: file not found

Favorite trick:

Dogs: roll over

Computers: play dead

Comic-page hero:

Dogs: Dogbert

Computers: Dilbert

Consequence of virus:

Dogs: replace valuable carpeting

Computers: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate:

Dogs: leash law Computers: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool:

Dogs: pooper-scooper

Computers: uninstaller

Sensitive internal procedures:

Dogs: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional

Computers: may be undertaken by that guy at work who

fixed one kind of like this once

Method of marking territory:

Dogs: lifting leg

Computers: "Designed for Windows 95"

Unique behavior:

Dogs: lick and drag

Computers: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature:

Dogs: dewclaw

Computers: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan:

Dogs: 12 years

Computers: 12 months

At end of useful life:

Dogs: euthanasia

Computers: tax deduction

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Remember When


A computer was something on TV

From a science fiction show

A window was something you hated to clean

And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend

And gig was your middle finger upright

Now they all mean different things

And that really mega bytes

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy

You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public

You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens,they wish they were dead.

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Devil vs Computer


One dark night in hell,

the Devil,

bent upon his ultimate revenge,

determined to become a computer programmer.

Secretly he pored over main pages,

Microsoft press releases,

and hex dumps of the renowned SATAN program,

until,

satisfied that he was master of the unclean craft,

he began to work his mischief.

Lounging near the back gate to heaven,

he remarked to Jesus that there were some things

the Devil could do better than God.

Perl programming,for instance.

The Savior,knowing something was afoot,

but unwilling to let the slight go unchallenged,

suggested a programming contest to last from

sunrise to sunset,to see who could solve the

halting problem in the fewest lines of Perl code,

with God Almighty as the judge.

Sparks flew from the keyboard,and a sublime glow

emanated from the monitor of the Prince of Darkness

and the Prince of Peace, respectively,until five minutes

before sunset,when a bolt of lightning flashed and

the computers went dead.

A few minutes later God arrived and asked for the results.

The Devil fumed and complained bitterly,but he had lost

the whole day's work.

Jesus fared considerably better and won the contest because,

as everyone knows, Jesus saves.

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Software vs Drugs

Drug dealers vs Software developers
Drug dealers: Refer to their clients as "users".

Software developers:Refer to their clients as "users".

Drug dealers: "The first one's free!"

Software developers:"Download a free trial version!"

Drug dealers: Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).

Software developers:Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).

Drug dealers: Strange jargon:"Stick," "Rock," "Dime bag," "E".

Software developers: Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN".

Drug dealers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.

Software developers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.

Drug dealers: Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer,more potent mixes.

Software developers: Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.

Drug dealers: Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.

Software developers: Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.

Drug dealers: Their product causes unhealthy addictions.DOOM. Quake.SimCity.Duke Nukem 3D.'Nuff said.

Software developers: Do your job well,and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.

Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

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